Rules of the Firehouse
by Mendeia
Summary: Oneshot. As tacked up on the wall beside the large common bedroom door where it could be readily found and equally-readily updated with new additions - a list of rules to keep the guys in line. At least, in theory. When they remember. Sometimes. Kinda.


What can I say? If you lived in the firehouse with those guys, you'd have a list of rules, too! In my head, I hear most of this list as read by Egon, but it could also be Winston. Probably rarely Ray or Peter since I think they cause the most trouble.

Except when Egon does science. Then he can blow them all away – literally!

Enjoy!

* * *

As tacked up on the wall beside the large common bedroom door where it could be readily found and equally-readily updated with new additions:

 **Rules of the Firehouse**

Pants are not optional.  
Do not enter Egon's lab without first donning protective gloves.  
Or goggles.  
Or an apron.  
Just don't enter Egon's lab.

Slimer is no longer allowed to retrieve the mail or the newspaper from the front walk. (Most newspapers refuse to deliver to us anymore as it is.)

Any repair or maintenance service begun on Ecto-1 must be finished within the same day or a sign must be clearly posted stating that the vehicle is unavailable for use. We would rather bus to busts than repeat the incident on the Brooklyn Bridge.

Do not introduce your coworkers and teammates as "my posse."

Peter Venkman regularly takes four times longer than anyone else in the bathroom in the morning. Due to this fact, he has agreed not to attempt his daily routine until 9am except in cases of emergency. Take your turn prior to that time or expect a long wait.

The garbage pail at Janine's desk is NOT to be used for any of the following:  
Rotten food found in Ecto-1 (or anywhere else)  
Any remains of any ghost, spectre, etc.  
Anything that smells of candy or pizza (or else the one responsible will be required to wash it out after Slimer goes through it)  
Items that should be recycled  
Anything with a face  
Articles acquired while dumpster-diving  
Bills that need to be paid  
Doctor Venkman's socks  
Bills that are overdue  
Anything currently or formerly alive  
Notices from any governmental body  
Discarded jumpsuits  
Anything larger than a loaf of bread  
Failed experiments  
Ray's undershorts  
Successful experiments  
Janine's paychecks

The Containment Unit does NOT need to be decorated for any national, religious, or cultural holiday.

No unapproved substance of any sort - lubricating or adhesive - is to be applied to the fire-pole ever again.

If you do not know what it is, do not touch it, eat it, move it, or attempt to play with it.

Positively-charged ectoplasm is not to be employed even in case of "a really bad mood."

Laundry should not be strung on a line anywhere in the firehouse at risk of provoking discharge of the packs in self-defense. Similarly, bedsheets should not be worn by any personnel who do not wish to be instantly transmuted into a ghost.

Do not permit Ray or Peter to complete Mad Libs puzzles while drunk.  
Or tired.  
Or over-caffeinated.  
Or under-caffeinated.  
Do not permit Ray or Peter to complete Mad Libs puzzles.  
And be wary of crosswords, word-finds, and mazes.

The dishwasher is not suited to cleaning proton-packs or PKE meters. The next individual to put either through a cycle will be crammed in himself for a thorough washing.

Janine files all the paperwork. Any Ghostbuster attempting to handle bank statements, bills, invoices, payments, etc. will summarily earn 2 months of Slimer clean-up duty.

The Incident with the hippopotamus and the tugboat shall never be mentioned, recreated, or referenced, in whole or in part, EVER AGAIN.

Frisbee is prohibited on the roof. It upsets the neighbors who fear alien invasions.

We are a professional business. The phone line shall not be answered with any of the following phrases:  
Ghostbusters – you kill 'em, we chill 'em.  
What would you like on your tombstone?  
Thank you for calling Egon's House of Spooks.  
LOOK OUT – IT'S BEHIND YOU! I mean, hello.  
Ghostbusters – Death is our business. Are you ready to die?  
Evil Spirits - R – Us.  
Ray's Exorcisms – buy one, get one free!  
Greetings from the Other Side of Night.  
You have reached an automated service. If you are receiving this message, please contact our lawyer and have him bring bail money down to the courthouse.  
It's time to play Your Money Or Your Life with Peter Venkman! Are you ready for round one?  
Are you a real person or have the voices in my head returned?

Do not challenge Egon to a Sudoku tournament. Remember that time in the Bronx?

Flesh-altering chemicals should not be stored in the kitchen.

All phone/app games such as Farmville, Words With Friends, Angry Birds, etc. shall not be employed for the duration of a bust (even if it is only a Class 2).

No Jello-molds shaped like ghosts shall be placed strategically around the firehouse even on April Fool's Day. Remember that Jello, when exposed to the throwers' beams, explodes.

Ray is not permitted to read Creepypasta ever again – it gives him IDEAS.

Proton-packs shall not be used for any form of cooking/roasting/grilling/searing/making s'mores.

Social lives outside of work are encouraged. However, all "intimate" activities are forbidden in any of the following locations:  
Ecto-1  
Anywhere near the Containment Unit  
Egon's lab  
Any bed not your own  
Janine's desk  
Anywhere an unsuspecting individual might come upon the activities unaware  
Anywhere Slimer might appear  
(Oh, just get a room – somewhere else, please!)

Do not attempt to give Slimer a bath.

It is the responsibility of the person who finishes the last pot of coffee to start a new one. Should anyone affiliated with the Ghostbusters fail in this responsibility, you will deserve whatever the others decide to do to you in retribution.

Recreational beverages should not be chilled via proximity to the Containment Unit. They should also not be consumed while in proximity to the Containment Unit. Lower inhibitions and ready access to the power grid is a bad combination.

Replacing any scientific journals with fishing magazines is prohibited. Similarly, do not replace print-outs of experiment data with fliers for Thai places or massage parlors.

Do not refer to us in public as the Brotherhood of Evil or the Fraternity of Angels. Both are bad for our image.

The Ghostbusters do not accept payment in any of the following currencies:  
Monopoly money  
Any form of livestock or farm produce  
Space Bucks  
Souls  
coin  
Phone numbers (that means you, Peter!)  
Altarian dollars  
IOUs  
Simoleons  
Children (regardless of birth order)  
"Points"  
Quatloos  
Likes/Favorites/Follows/any other type of social media affirmation  
(Beer and free food will be accepted, however)

Selfies shall not be taken while busting.

Warning must be given at least 48 hours in advance before any space-time or dimensional-rift distortion-causing experiments may be executed.

The alarm in the firehouse shall not be silenced or tampered with in any way.

Roof-top gardening is permissible, but poison ivy is not an appropriate crop and may not be grown there or anywhere else on the property.

Amusing as it might be, do not harm, slime, zap, or otherwise irritate, damage, or enrage any member of the EPA who appears at our door.  
Or the NYPD.  
Or the IRS.  
Or the Neighborhood Watch.  
Or the DOE.  
Or the DOD.  
Or the military.  
Or the Zoning Commission.

Anyone other than Janine is forbidden from placing the order for new jumpsuits. This will prevent any spelling errors as in the past when "Spengler" has been wrongly printed as "Einstein," "Blondie," "Spazz," and "Beanpole."

Fireworks are prohibited anywhere in or near the firehouse. There will be NO repeat of last year's 4th of July disaster.

Traps are not to be used for fishing.

No one is allowed to teach Slimer any words or phrases we are not comfortable with him repeating in the presence of our many underage fans.

The darkroom is not an appropriate place for a nap.

Any creature found while investigating any potential supernatural activity must be thoroughly cleared for a PKE signature before it can be adopted as a pet – no matter how cute it is.

All scripts for radio ads, television commercials, internet ads, etc. must be approved in writing by all members of the Ghostbusters prior to airing/posting. Failure to observe this rule will result in the immediate release of the "Peter Venkman Breakfast Cereal Surprise" TV spot on every channel that has ever left us a message requesting an interview.

The Ghostbusters do not observe "Talk Like A Pirate Day."

All expenses must be recorded and filed appropriately with Janine for bookkeeping purposes in the form of actual receipts, invoices, etc. Napkins, writing on one's hand, and dropping leftovers on Janine's desk are not viable means of submitting expenses.

Public educational demonstrations may not include any information that is either protected by patent or will cause another mass protest by angry parents whose children have successfully replicated some of our techniques.

The following TV shows are banned from the firehouse (reasons provided below):  
Mythbusters – it gives Ray ideas  
World of the Psychic – Peter goes off in a huff ranting about network executives  
The A-Team – Winston will not miss a single episode and will avoid work shifts to keep watching  
The Unexplained Files – ditto for Egon  
How It Works – Ray becomes disgusted and starts filing patents to "improve" existing mechanical engineering practices  
Dancing With The Stars – Janine tries to get Egon to dance with her, usually while he's holding something dangerous  
Anything from the Food Network – Slimer slimes through the TV and we've already lost 4 that way  
Whose Line Is It Anyway – Peter quotes it incessantly  
Firefly – ditto for Winston  
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic – Ray tries painting cutie marks on the proton-packs  
Ghost Hunters – all 4 Ghostbusters will laugh madly and loudly and it upsets the neighbors; we cannot afford another injunction for "disturbing the peace"  
Top Gear – it gives Winston IDEAS and Ecto-1 will not survive another "upgrade"  
American Idol – Janine tries to sing. Janine should not try to sing.  
The Bachelor – Peter becomes irate and tries AGAIN to submit his name as a "desirable bachelor" to the network  
The X-Files – it gives Egon ideas  
Lassie – it makes Ray cry  
Through The Wormhole with Morgan Freeman – ditto for Egon  
M*A*S*H – ditto for Winston  
Garfield and Friends – ditto for Peter (?)  
Too Cute! – Janine is coerced into spontaneously adopting kittens again  
All movies on the SyFy (or whatever they're calling it this week) Channel – Egon mutters about physics for DAYS and wastes precious hours crafting and sending research papers with full source lists to the writers for each individual mistake  
Dora The Explorer – Slimer has started trying to talk in Spanish and he's barely understandable in English!  
In Search Of Bigfoot – Ray has already quit the Ghostbusters twice to try to land a spot on the team!  
America's Next Top Model – ditto for Peter (?)  
Bridezilla – it gives Janine IDEAS  
The Haunting – the restraining order prevents the Ghostbusters from interfering with the show's plotline by eradicating the ghost before the episode has aired, and watching it just makes everyone angry all over again  
Barney & Friends – SLIMER WILL START SINGING THAT SONG AGAIN AND WE WILL HAVE TO BUST HIM I AM SERIOUS THIS TIME

"I saw this in a movie!" is not an appropriate justification for any action, including any and all movies made about us. This goes double for plans/escape strategies while on a job.

Peter is not permitted to edit Wikipedia entries of deceased individuals to add "Location and Date Captured By The Ghostbusters" to the relevant personal data.

No member of the Ghostbusters may die while on duty. Any member attempting death during their shift will be subsequently ripped from the afterlife by any means necessary and lectured strenuously.


End file.
